Tuesday 28 August 2012

Dammit

Got my period today. We didn't have any pain killer so i had to go all day without it. I was fine tell the last class. The pain was so strong i nearly puked. I told my boss i couldn't work and this girl who isn't good at doing my job had to feel in for me cause no one else could. I have a feeling he will ask S to feel in for me(this guy i kinda like but don't really he is just nice and i find that attractive ). It hurt so bad i started crying. So i will ask my mom to buy me something for the cramps. I'm also going to ask her for birth control. that way its less often and shorter when i get it. Has yet to eat all day (most likely why i didn't puke). I have had two pink rockstars (10 cal each) if i can keep this up i wont eat through my whole period. Its weird i either eat everything or nothing at all. I might go to the store and buy some painkiller myself. IT HURTS SO MUCH$@#*@#*%$@#&%$@#&%!#&%!*#%@#&%&#$%& Don't know how much i weigh right now.....Look at it when this shit is over. On the bright side i normally feel really pretty during this hell. Still not worth it though. I feel bad not working but i couldnt have made it through work without dieing or curling up into a little ball

Wednesday 22 August 2012

this is going to sound mean

First day of school and it was so weird. I only lost five pounds this summer but i walked in the doors and most people GAINED weight. One of by friends blimpd up to at least 50 pounds. In my head i was thinking "HOLLY SHIT IS SHE IN A FAT SUIT!?" i swear she is huge now. Its like what did you do all summer? Shove candy bars in your mouth and lay in bed? How could anyone let it get that bad. Any ways today didnt go as planned with food. I had one bad meal 1000 or more calories and some fruit. Bad bad bad but ill do better tomorrow. Tomorrows plan 1 egg and 1 egg white=85 veg=39 frozen dinner with more veg=329 fruit=100 maybe ill buy rice cakes and snack on those. Finally im the thin friend. But i want to be the thinnest.

Tuesday 21 August 2012

I scared of growing up not dieing

Im starting a 500 cal diet. Right now i want to fast. But whatever. things go how they go. Dosnt matter to me as long as im 150 by my birthday (September 2) i will be happy. Maybe ill do the ABC diet even though everyone fails it. School starts tomorrow. It will be my last first day of school. I am so scared. I want to cry. I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to the old days. Playing in the mud and having fun in the woods by the house i grew up in. Everyone thinks i want thins moment and that i cant wait to leave. Part of me inside is thinking of failing every class so i don't have to leave. So i don't have to grow up. Its stupid really but im that scared. I don't want to have to worry about money or where my next meal is coming from or making house payment or rent payments. I don't want to have to work everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to fall in love and get married and have kids. I want to be the kid. Every day im growing older and it scares me. Not the fact that im going to die soon or anything. I scared of growing up not dieing. Wheres the rewind button. Is their a phobia of growing up cause i have that.

Wednesday 15 August 2012

I need a vacation

So much fucking drama at work. First this girl at my work is one mistake from being fired and she dosnt seem to care. This girl i thought was my friends told this guy i work with that i like him even though i dont. I just thought he was cute. Now he wont talk to me and shit. It isnt even me who likes him it is her. You cant tell and she keeps say "Oh i have a boyfriend" and all she dose is whine and complain about other people or the job she is doing. Really she is just as bad as the girl who is about to be fired. She just hides it better. Also everyone seemed pissed at me for some reason. Im so sick of this shit and drama. Really! this is a job people stop treating it like high school. I would kill for a vacation. The vacation song by shane dawson(a youtuber) is how i feel right now. Everything that is going on is so fucking stupid. I cant put up with it anymore. I want to be away from everyone. I want school to start. I am so close to looking for a new job. I cant put up with this shit. I swear it all started when that one girl was hired(the one that told the guy i like him) All she has been doing is starting shit and im about ready to fucking punch her and be like "WHAT NOW BITCH!" So when it comes to work -dont talk to anyone they are not worth this stress and shit -Ignore my "friend" -get the job done -dont start or listen to any shit when someone talks about it ill just say i dont care or something. -dont trust anyone Oh my gosh im so done with this. Im starting a fast tomorrow. Maybe they will all shut the fuck up if i get down to 100 pounds. maybe less. So they will stop with all this dumb shit. Starting a list of goals here - Fast for more then 5 days - get down to 150 pounds - dont eat more then 650 calories - work out for no less then 20 mins a day - get down to 140 pounds - cut out all fast food/ junk food - cut out all suger and soda - get down to 130 - get no grades lower than C+ - increase work out to no less than 40 mins a day. - try to be more like me - get down to 120 pounds - lower max calorie intake to 500 - save up for new cloths - get down to 116 Thats it for now. Ill update you tomorrow on day one of my fast. My parents leave tomorrow for 6 day.

Thursday 9 August 2012

My mothers starting to understand!

My mom said i can fast as long as its not pure water fast. I have to have three cups of juice for my "meals" and im ok with that. It will add up to 300 cals a day and i easily burn that at work alone! Pluse im going to start going for walks. Didnt get fired thank god. But a girl might. She walked out on the job with out a word as to where she was going.... she got put on probation. Im not going to go into the list of things she has fucked up but lets just say she needs to be fired. talk to you more later.