Friday 30 March 2012

third day of fasting

On my third day of fasting. Feel grate alittle tired but grate. I lost too I weight 160 today. And 158 is my first goal so im getting close. Tomorrow is family night but I have played a movie night with my best friend H so ill be able to get out of it. Tell her I ate at home and my parents I ate at her house. Its perfect. I feel really thirsty too soo ill be drinking more water.today im gona go to the mall walk around. Then go for a drive and try to stay out past ten. Cause thats when my parents go to bed. Sunday im going to try my best to avoid food. But its gona be hard. But I can go buy my scale that day so im lookingforward to that. Also I found a few cute dresses.for the ren fair. Well back to work. See ya

Friday 23 March 2012

ssorry

Been doing really bad I wouldnt say binged but I did eat more than normal so ill have to get back on track. So today I had half a small can of olives (45) and I plan to have fruit or something for lunch as long as its under 100 cal. For dinner im going to have beans and an egg just under 300 cal. And tomorrow ill have a small bowl of cereal with no milk. So 110 cal and dinners gona be about 400-500. Ya family night is gross food night. Im going to start walking now that its warming up and do sit ups and leg work outs every night...and as many push ups as I can. Im going to look up things I can do in my small space of a room to burn calories. Next month (April) im buying a scale thats $50 for my room so I can weight whenever I want. That way I dont need to sneak into my moms room butt naked when I think no ones looking. And im going to find a cheap rug to do sit ups on so my wood floor wont hurt my but and im able to do more situps. Then im going to put money aside for pants when mine get to big so I can go by some and not have to wait cause I spent all my money. Also I plan to dye my hair in may and buy a sun dress for a ren fair costume. Im going to be a fairy at my sisters both . If I get the guts to post a picture of me ill show you what I look like in my dress and.fairy wings but I will for sure show pictures of everything eles. So ya that in itself is over $100. Maybe ill just dye my hair myself and save $40. Ya thank god I have a job....also anyone who might have an idea on a good scale let me know. I want something nice. So ya after work if the weather stays nice ill go for a walk and.maybe burn 150 calories or something might even.walk to my sisters and use her computer and take my nephew for a walk. Then come home and do sit ups leg lifts and push up . Maybe read alittle before bed. Then tomorrow...who knows

Monday 19 March 2012

sstupid teacher

Had to eat in foods.class. Today was 400 cal because I dont plan to eat for the rest of the day. Tomorrow ill fast...again. Try to not eat Saturday only have soup at the most. So P didnt even know my name until today....epic fail. Must have seen the stupid drop from my face. Did see N and we talked for a few until this guy Z butter in and N left...i hate him right now. Anyways after work im gona run home take a bath and go straight to bed. Again no computer so sorry for any errors.

Saturday 17 March 2012

grr

My last post had so many errors. Im sorry this phone sucks. Ill try to post from a computer tomorrow. I didnt count calories. Im a fucking fail. Im starting a fast tomorrow. Lol I said. Plan to stay in my room all day re read winter girls maybe ho.but another book. also plan to knit some more. Keeps my mind off of things. Sleep take a hot bath and get ready for school tomorrow. I get to see N tomorrow too. I weighed 164 this morning ....most likely gained a pound. Have tomato soup for Friday st the end of the fast. Umm ya thats it.

Friday 16 March 2012

ii just dont kne

Pissed at my mom....ill eat tomorrow at dinner but thats it. Ill fast Sunday up until Friday ill have soup that night. And then eat dinner again Saturday and repeat. Im not sure if its me or what but my emotions are creaking out. These are things iv never felt before. Emotions scare me enough as it is after being abused for 4 year I dont need new ones.starting me. I cant hold on ti ny thought. Im missing them to fast. Ones I hang onto revolve around weight and food an.fear. I just wish my mom would suck it up and take me to a doctor ti I dint Jane to feel like shit all the time. My mind is missing its grip. I went numb ice before and um scared its gona happen again. Breath is all I can tell myself. I find my self wanting to fall asleep girls up in bed and lay there. No effort. No nothing. Just turn to dust and fade away. How do you tell people this. Explains to them this sick feeling. I want to tell...just cant. It feels like the razor blade is calling me. " its ok ...im here....ill make you feel what you need. Ill fix everything" wall the air becomes tight like ropes holding me down I try ti scream out but I am the the victim of my own abuse. I want to say its his fast. That man that abused me. Took away my soul. He made me feel this way. But how can he still cause pain without being here. The wounds he left did they never heal? Whats so wrong with me that I feel this way.... I just want to cry out Mommie please me the pain stop. I want to beg for a death for will never grant me I just want it to stop. Please I can keep this up much longer. I cant keep living like this. Someone help me before I send myself to.hell.

Day Three

I dont really feel all that hungry. And im scared im gona have to eat. Im doing so well but my moms really pushing the food (no more than normal but still). God i dont even know anymore. I can finally do it and she is stoping me. Pushing gross fatty unhealthy foods in my face and saying eat it. I can understand where she is coming from. Being a mother you want your child to be healthy and happy. Not starving them self. So ya today might mark the end. As helpful as weekends are for a fast. Its just to hard to get around a needy mother without making her cry. I just dont know. Im not giving in easy though im going to push this as far as i can. Im going to go home take a frozen dinner heat it up and dump it down the sink then leave it on the counter(this is fairly common of me to do). that way she will think i ate cause there will be one less in the freezer and it will be on the counter. No prof it went in and none that it didnt. Anyways im at my brothers house so im going to walk home in a little. (should have brought headphones). Later.

Thursday 15 March 2012

Computer at School

I got a computer at school so YA! But my friend is trying to read it so i have to be careful cause she is sitting right next to me. She is also trying to read it. I just told her i go on here to rant so she dosnt know:). Day two of that fast so far is going grate but ya day three is tomorrow and im sacred how hard its going to be. What ever. Im going to hang out with M(the girl sitting next to me) after work today. I promised to feed her so ill just try to get away with a drink. I plan to stay out until 11 or 12 just to avoid dinner. Then tomorrow i have no school so im going to stay home and read. Then when my parents get home im going to go for a drive and maybe walk around the mall some more(100 calories burned every hour). We are going to go to the mall and walk around but im going to keep away from the food court til M get hungry then just order a drink and say my tummy is Little up set. Lie and say the juice she gave me earlier tasted funny and probably had something wrong with it. Ill try to order a diet but i cant be sure i might get a regular just so I dont look to questionable. Maybe I'll see P at the mall. I saw him there two weeks ago so there is alittle hope. I did see N today walking down the halls. Didnt say high like i always do. Normally when i dont talk to him he spends the day trying to get my attention. Its rather cute. But when i do talk to him he normally dosnt do much soooo. Tomorrow when my parents are at work im go to clean my room the kitchen the down stairs and maybe the bathroom (all places the will see). That way the will think nothing because of all the good things iv done. And dont worry about me cleaning the kitchen and eating everything in sight. If i feel a need to eat ill just go out side and pick up dog poop. If its still there ill clean something gross Got to go Ill post more later

Wednesday 14 March 2012

fsay day one

Today went well. But its not the hunger that gets ti me its the strong cravings. I pray u can make it through tomorrow. I bought wintergirls today. I love the author so im already enjoing it avoided diner today too? So tomorrow im going to walk around the mall til it closes then go for a drive and come home for a sleep. If I lose 25 pounds from this fast I get to buy myself pants and.a shirt! Saturday im going to cost a friend who lives an hour away. Cant wait. Most likely no food so thats good. Im tired so im off to bed ill post again tomorrow hopefully. From a computer

Monday 12 March 2012

sometimes im to scared to face the morning

Today I had about 600 cal. School was ok. I woke up late though and missed first period. I did see N today (a guy I like who might like me back) sometimes im never sure with him. He will flirt one day and seem interested and the next day he wont. I think maybe it was just a Monday thing. He was really nice other then the lack of flirting. Then theres P (a guy I like who dosnt like me back) he broke his arm and has been on some drugs for it so he was out of it today. I think he likes S (a girl in my foods class) cause he is just....i dont know... has a energy when it comes to her. She is thin and beautiful. Then I had work 3 hours walking around vaccuming rooms (300 cals burned) and then I filled in for some one so another 2 and a half hours walking up and down stairs (300 cals burned). So ya im doing ok but I need to eat lass tomorrow. So heres what I got in plan One egg-70 cal An apply -80cal And dinner is unknown so about 300-400 cal ill try to keep it low Pluse 300 cals burned off at work and maybe a walk cause its been so beautiful lately. If I do go for a walk I want it to be 2-3 hours so I can have all my calories burned off and then some sit ups and stuff. Hopefully ill fallow it. I do have to do homework tomorrow so maybe ill wake up early and do that. Then get the rest done at home. Im only failing two classes so hopefully i.can get that fixed and pass. Anyways love ya lots! Bye.

Sunday 11 March 2012

it gets better tomorrow

Today, I could tell from the moment I woke up, did go, and wont finish, as planned. Yesterday failed too. I did go foodless for 40 hours but binged the moment I came home for lunch. Next time during a fast ill be more prepared. This weekend well the one coming up is three days so I shall start a fast Wednesday and have the three days to get over the hardest part. Until the I plan to eat small amouts just to not make my stomach grow .i will eat eggs for protien and try my hardest to only eat fruits and veggies. So today I pretty much was lazy. I did clean my room and when my parents leave I plan to make lunch ,veggies maybe an egg, and catch up on homework before the term is over. I shall make a goal list and post it next time of things I want to do this term. Maybe even plan ahead for the summer with is coming up. Like I said by May , well mid April really, I want to loss thirty (30) pounds. Which by the time I weight my self last time (168) I should be 138. Which isnt grate but its better then what im at right now I only plan to fast for two week, just to shrink my stomach so im not hungry all the time. Then I shall go on a 550 cal diet. I add the fifty(50) for any mishaps that might happen. Like eating at a friends house or something. Which of the 500 will mainly be eggs for protein and fruits and veggies. I also like to make up random dishes that taste good and are low cal so I will post those on here. So my stats are: HW 188 LW 145 CW 168 Goal weight it 118 Height 5'6 and a half Ya any questions let me know. Hopefully I will be able to post from a computer at school. I have to use my phone right now cause we are.short on money and had to shut off our internet. Anyways love ya lots!

Friday 9 March 2012

meet Jane Doe

Hello my name is Jane Doe. But that isnt my real name. I hope you will respect my wishes when I tell you I would like to remain anonymous. This blog will document my struggles with becoming thinand beautiful. It will hold my deepest darkest most kept secrets . I will start off by providing some information about myself. First off I am a 17 year old girl. I attend public schooling and am interested it a boy in my cooking class. I like to fast and loss weight. When im up set I cut on the bottomm of my feet. As I type this my parents are yelling at one another. I work as a janitor at my school vaccuming rooms for three hours. Im fail most of my classes right now but next term I plan I aim for straight A's I want to loss 30 pounds by May. And this is my life.